Hey friends. I am checking in. I have been back on track since Monday. I have lost 5 lbs in a week and a half and looking forward to continuing. I feel really good about getting things under control. This has been a tough week and I caught myself every time I was ready to dive into eating to feel better about things. I didn't do it and guess what???? I felt better about things! Some prayer and chatting with friends helped get through the compulsive part of it and then it didn't seem so urgent after that.
Keep praying for me please. It takes a village!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Never quit quiting!
I have had several people ask where I've been blog wise so here I am. I'm glad you kept me accountable. I have not been doing the things I said I would and do not deserve your support, but thank you. I will be recommitting to my eating program this next Monday so hang in there with me please.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Hope
Hi guys. I'm back. It has been a busy holiday season along with a crazy season in life. I've been praying for clarity lately and today, because of my friends, some finally came.
I have spent the last year of my life in some pretty tense situations. Trying to be a manager for the Alano Club through the transition of a new building, and helping to build a collegeage ministry at First Wes. I went into both with great faith in God's will and a open heart and mind. Slowly, after a year of making many decisions in both, I have slowly gotten away from God's will and gotten back into mine. I don't think I lost faith as much as I thought I had it all under control so God could work on someone else for a while :) The last few weeks at the AC have been kind of tough. Dear friends have relapsed, every week there are newness issues to deal with and we are trying to get ACE off the ground so eventually the club will be self sufficient. We all have worked so hard to get where we are and it is very hard to bring something along then just turn it over to God with blind faith that someone will be responsible enough to grab on and continue. The ministry is kind of at the same place. We are brainstorming ideas to grow with a leadership team that is invested in heavily by our adult leaders. Again, we have to let go and let them and let God, a lot harder then it sounds. I just want everyone to be alright and really bust my butt to try to be sure that happens and guess what......it won't. It is unrealistic to think I can, that doesn't stop me though, until dear friends rein me in and remind me that if I don't let go, it really doesn't give anyone any room to grow.
It won't be easy but my plan is to slowly let go, being careful that I don't just check out but responsibly and slowly move toward turning these thing over to the people God is providing and trust Him that it will be just fine.
I know it is kind of hard to tie this in with weight loss but I'll give it a try. All of this intensity of this journey has put eating in the forefront. It is my crutch and something that I have learned to depend on to get my mind off of other things. I feel I'm gaining perspective, not completely clear yet but more will be reveled I'm sure.
I have spent the last year of my life in some pretty tense situations. Trying to be a manager for the Alano Club through the transition of a new building, and helping to build a collegeage ministry at First Wes. I went into both with great faith in God's will and a open heart and mind. Slowly, after a year of making many decisions in both, I have slowly gotten away from God's will and gotten back into mine. I don't think I lost faith as much as I thought I had it all under control so God could work on someone else for a while :) The last few weeks at the AC have been kind of tough. Dear friends have relapsed, every week there are newness issues to deal with and we are trying to get ACE off the ground so eventually the club will be self sufficient. We all have worked so hard to get where we are and it is very hard to bring something along then just turn it over to God with blind faith that someone will be responsible enough to grab on and continue. The ministry is kind of at the same place. We are brainstorming ideas to grow with a leadership team that is invested in heavily by our adult leaders. Again, we have to let go and let them and let God, a lot harder then it sounds. I just want everyone to be alright and really bust my butt to try to be sure that happens and guess what......it won't. It is unrealistic to think I can, that doesn't stop me though, until dear friends rein me in and remind me that if I don't let go, it really doesn't give anyone any room to grow.
It won't be easy but my plan is to slowly let go, being careful that I don't just check out but responsibly and slowly move toward turning these thing over to the people God is providing and trust Him that it will be just fine.
I know it is kind of hard to tie this in with weight loss but I'll give it a try. All of this intensity of this journey has put eating in the forefront. It is my crutch and something that I have learned to depend on to get my mind off of other things. I feel I'm gaining perspective, not completely clear yet but more will be reveled I'm sure.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Two steps forward one step back
The holidays are such a struggle both mentally and physically food wise. There has been so much going on that I have been very busy physically. My weight has caused some back problems so that has been a challenge, but I have been moving which is a very good thing. Mentally I have gotten in such a habit of using food for a incentive to get things done that it has become a issue. I remember when I smoked, I would play games with myself with getting projects done so after, I could have a cigarette. When I got mad or hurt....a cigarette, happy....guess what...a cigarette. Now I am doing the same thing with food. I worked hard today, I guess I'll have some pie or a too healthy portion of food. It is hard because going down, it tastes so good on so many levels, but the price I pay the morning after is just awful. I cry and I pray, please help me be more disciplined, and I tell myself it is a new day, and I do great until mid day to evening. I admire people who are disciplined in a healthy way with their lives (I think control can be done to access too) and I want it so badly. I guess I need to be happy with the one step I'm gaining here and there and focus on being healthy in my endeavor, but I am such a instant gratification person it is hard to not get discouraged. Please Pray that Gods love will heal my void and show me what healthy self discipline looks like. Thank you for you support!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Warning Signs
The last few days have been great. I have stayed within my eating plan, and have accomplished a few personal tasks. Again, thank you for your support!
I stated at the beginning of this blog that I wanted to be honest write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I look back I have covered a lot of that, though I have had a tug on my stomach off and on. I woke up this morning after a bunch of horrible and weird dreams, realizing that I have a little fear going on. The following may seem jumbled and busy, but I have to process.
My husband just a few months ago had both of his knees replaced. Previous to that he has had chronic pain for 2-3 years concerning his knees. He has had to be on a lot of medicine over that time and some even stronger meds since the surgery. He is doing an amazing job of recovering and we have learned after thinking he may never work again, that he can indeed work again. Huge relief! We still have a few challenges to face and I'm not looking forward that that at all! In fact I would love to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the elephant in the room, but that would put both of us at risk for future problems.
Also, as you know, I have my hands in a lot of pots. A college age ministry, the Alano Club and a pretty busy work schedule, all of which I love and have a lot of passion about. I feel so blessed everyday to be one of the few people who get to do what they love for a living, and to feel passion everyday for God, and both groups I'm involved in. That being said, there is sometimes a lot of stress, good and bad, that comes with all three. We are getting ready to move into the new Alano Club building this weekend. This after months of being in construction trailers and using portapots. We have made lots of good memories in those trailers and those of us who have been there through the whole transition of the group splitting, then the construction, and now the new building, some stressful memories also. Now as we get ready to put history in its place and start anew, it is a relief and we are BUSY! That coupled with the events Axis has planned and my commitments to that ministry, then add my job being at it's busiest ever, much less with the holidays approaching, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. That I usually can handle on it's own, but now.....the holiday goodies start rolling in. Of all that I have just listed, and all the reasons I have to be overwhelmed, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I have shared with my clients what I'm trying to do with this healthy food thing, but so many of them give goodies for Christmas. I think I'll be good for Thanksgiving but Christmas scares me! I almost wish I could just go into a eating disorder treatment center for the holidays, like the girl did on Dr. Ozz last night.
My request is a prayer request, that God will keep me focused on the causes I'm involved in, and keep me healthy through the holidays, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am happiest when I'm giving to others, so my personal goal is to stay busy helping others and spending time with family through the holidays. Please pray with me that I don't choose escape. It is ok to take a day, but escaping is a dangerous place for me. If I fall off the radar, please check in with me. Sometimes I attempt escape and don't even realize it until I am so closed off emotionally that I'm almost numb. I don't want to be in that place. I need to be busy, involved, and helping others or my soul gets sick and isolated, even in a crowded room. God bless!
I stated at the beginning of this blog that I wanted to be honest write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I look back I have covered a lot of that, though I have had a tug on my stomach off and on. I woke up this morning after a bunch of horrible and weird dreams, realizing that I have a little fear going on. The following may seem jumbled and busy, but I have to process.
My husband just a few months ago had both of his knees replaced. Previous to that he has had chronic pain for 2-3 years concerning his knees. He has had to be on a lot of medicine over that time and some even stronger meds since the surgery. He is doing an amazing job of recovering and we have learned after thinking he may never work again, that he can indeed work again. Huge relief! We still have a few challenges to face and I'm not looking forward that that at all! In fact I would love to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the elephant in the room, but that would put both of us at risk for future problems.
Also, as you know, I have my hands in a lot of pots. A college age ministry, the Alano Club and a pretty busy work schedule, all of which I love and have a lot of passion about. I feel so blessed everyday to be one of the few people who get to do what they love for a living, and to feel passion everyday for God, and both groups I'm involved in. That being said, there is sometimes a lot of stress, good and bad, that comes with all three. We are getting ready to move into the new Alano Club building this weekend. This after months of being in construction trailers and using portapots. We have made lots of good memories in those trailers and those of us who have been there through the whole transition of the group splitting, then the construction, and now the new building, some stressful memories also. Now as we get ready to put history in its place and start anew, it is a relief and we are BUSY! That coupled with the events Axis has planned and my commitments to that ministry, then add my job being at it's busiest ever, much less with the holidays approaching, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. That I usually can handle on it's own, but now.....the holiday goodies start rolling in. Of all that I have just listed, and all the reasons I have to be overwhelmed, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I have shared with my clients what I'm trying to do with this healthy food thing, but so many of them give goodies for Christmas. I think I'll be good for Thanksgiving but Christmas scares me! I almost wish I could just go into a eating disorder treatment center for the holidays, like the girl did on Dr. Ozz last night.
My request is a prayer request, that God will keep me focused on the causes I'm involved in, and keep me healthy through the holidays, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am happiest when I'm giving to others, so my personal goal is to stay busy helping others and spending time with family through the holidays. Please pray with me that I don't choose escape. It is ok to take a day, but escaping is a dangerous place for me. If I fall off the radar, please check in with me. Sometimes I attempt escape and don't even realize it until I am so closed off emotionally that I'm almost numb. I don't want to be in that place. I need to be busy, involved, and helping others or my soul gets sick and isolated, even in a crowded room. God bless!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Trying something different this week
I've decided to try something different this week. I'm going to stick to fruits and veggies for snacks and Smart Ones or Lean Quezines(sp) for meals. Portion control continues to be a problem for me and also the mentality that once I've blown it, I might as well blow it good. I also have a bad habit of eating fast. I work lunch or snacks in to my work day in 2-3 minutes sometimes when I get a little break in the action.
My holiday crunch is starting this week and goes until after Christmas, so if you want to pray for me I would appreciate that. I would ask that you pray that I can stay focused on being healthy and in conscience contact with God through the long work days and holiday goodies.....ugh!
I'm still on the 3rd step. Obviously, if I'm not able to control my portions yet, I have not turned my will over to God. This is so hard. It is like wanting something so badly and you can almost touch it but it moves a few step away as you arrive. I have so much respect for people who can eat in a normal controlled fashion. One of my biggest regrets of late is that I let things get this far because it is a long way back. I will continue to try, one day at a time, to become a normal eater.
You guys are awesome, thank you again for your support.
Leeann, I didn't do my push ups yet. I am going to try to start tonight, please be praying for my back to handle them, I have a lower back issue, so basically what doesn't kill me may be helping me, but I have to be careful not to put it completely out during Christmas stuff. I'm going to push it to the very limit though, count on it.
Leeann and I have been building up from 25 to now 60 sit-ups a day adding 10 a week and now we are adding push-ups to the game. She has been through so much in the last few months and that she continues to support me while dealing with so many family issues is amazing to me. Thank you Leeann. She has also challenged a few friends to join us so I am now challenging you! Believe me it is better with accountability and loving friends rooting you on! Let me know if your joining us.
My holiday crunch is starting this week and goes until after Christmas, so if you want to pray for me I would appreciate that. I would ask that you pray that I can stay focused on being healthy and in conscience contact with God through the long work days and holiday goodies.....ugh!
I'm still on the 3rd step. Obviously, if I'm not able to control my portions yet, I have not turned my will over to God. This is so hard. It is like wanting something so badly and you can almost touch it but it moves a few step away as you arrive. I have so much respect for people who can eat in a normal controlled fashion. One of my biggest regrets of late is that I let things get this far because it is a long way back. I will continue to try, one day at a time, to become a normal eater.
You guys are awesome, thank you again for your support.
Leeann, I didn't do my push ups yet. I am going to try to start tonight, please be praying for my back to handle them, I have a lower back issue, so basically what doesn't kill me may be helping me, but I have to be careful not to put it completely out during Christmas stuff. I'm going to push it to the very limit though, count on it.
Leeann and I have been building up from 25 to now 60 sit-ups a day adding 10 a week and now we are adding push-ups to the game. She has been through so much in the last few months and that she continues to support me while dealing with so many family issues is amazing to me. Thank you Leeann. She has also challenged a few friends to join us so I am now challenging you! Believe me it is better with accountability and loving friends rooting you on! Let me know if your joining us.
Friday, November 13, 2009
busy week
It has been a busy busy week. I have lost 7 pounds since I started the blog. Not a great amount but about right for the amount of effort I have put into it. I haven't been doing what I should. I'm walking, and eating less, but I know my self discipline has room for improvement. Keep rooting for me.
On another note, I believe that the third step: Turned my will and my life over to the care of God is finally taking hold.
I am involved in a College age ministry and I can't tell you how much I learn from them. Love, patience, kindness, tact and....did I mention patience. I love them more then they will ever know, and being in their lives is quite and adventure. Watching them sort through issues, tapping in to drama from time to time, and learning how to make good decisions. I know I can't go back but I sure do wish I would have spent less time rebelling life and authority and more time building my relationship with God at a young age. I see so much potential in these young people, and want to do everything I can to help them avoid some of the mistakes I made and help them build their spiritual foundation. Is it tough sometimes.....by all means. Is it mentally draining at times....oh yeah, but they are so worth it.
I wish I could feel the same about myself. It is coming. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, but still struggle at times with self esteem stuff. I know it is all tied in to this eating thing somehow and that is my journey. I will continue to work the 12 steps and pray to my higher power whom I choose to call Christ, and I just know He will reveal the answers to me at some point. I can't wait.
On another note, I believe that the third step: Turned my will and my life over to the care of God is finally taking hold.
I am involved in a College age ministry and I can't tell you how much I learn from them. Love, patience, kindness, tact and....did I mention patience. I love them more then they will ever know, and being in their lives is quite and adventure. Watching them sort through issues, tapping in to drama from time to time, and learning how to make good decisions. I know I can't go back but I sure do wish I would have spent less time rebelling life and authority and more time building my relationship with God at a young age. I see so much potential in these young people, and want to do everything I can to help them avoid some of the mistakes I made and help them build their spiritual foundation. Is it tough sometimes.....by all means. Is it mentally draining at times....oh yeah, but they are so worth it.
I wish I could feel the same about myself. It is coming. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, but still struggle at times with self esteem stuff. I know it is all tied in to this eating thing somehow and that is my journey. I will continue to work the 12 steps and pray to my higher power whom I choose to call Christ, and I just know He will reveal the answers to me at some point. I can't wait.
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