Two steps forward one step back

The holidays are such a struggle both mentally and physically food wise. There has been so much going on that I have been very busy physically. My weight has caused some back problems so that has been a challenge, but I have been moving which is a very good thing. Mentally I have gotten in such a habit of using food for a incentive to get things done that it has become a issue. I remember when I smoked, I would play games with myself with getting projects done so after, I could have a cigarette. When I got mad or hurt....a cigarette, happy....guess what...a cigarette. Now I am doing the same thing with food. I worked hard today, I guess I'll have some pie or a too healthy portion of food. It is hard because going down, it tastes so good on so many levels, but the price I pay the morning after is just awful. I cry and I pray, please help me be more disciplined, and I tell myself it is a new day, and I do great until mid day to evening. I admire people who are disciplined in a healthy way with their lives (I think control can be done to access too) and I want it so badly. I guess I need to be happy with the one step I'm gaining here and there and focus on being healthy in my endeavor, but I am such a instant gratification person it is hard to not get discouraged. Please Pray that Gods love will heal my void and show me what healthy self discipline looks like. Thank you for you support!

Warning Signs

The last few days have been great. I have stayed within my eating plan, and have accomplished a few personal tasks. Again, thank you for your support!

I stated at the beginning of this blog that I wanted to be honest write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I look back I have covered a lot of that, though I have had a tug on my stomach off and on. I woke up this morning after a bunch of horrible and weird dreams, realizing that I have a little fear going on. The following may seem jumbled and busy, but I have to process.

My husband just a few months ago had both of his knees replaced. Previous to that he has had chronic pain for 2-3 years concerning his knees. He has had to be on a lot of medicine over that time and some even stronger meds since the surgery. He is doing an amazing job of recovering and we have learned after thinking he may never work again, that he can indeed work again. Huge relief! We still have a few challenges to face and I'm not looking forward that that at all! In fact I would love to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the elephant in the room, but that would put both of us at risk for future problems.

Also, as you know, I have my hands in a lot of pots. A college age ministry, the Alano Club and a pretty busy work schedule, all of which I love and have a lot of passion about. I feel so blessed everyday to be one of the few people who get to do what they love for a living, and to feel passion everyday for God, and both groups I'm involved in. That being said, there is sometimes a lot of stress, good and bad, that comes with all three. We are getting ready to move into the new Alano Club building this weekend. This after months of being in construction trailers and using portapots. We have made lots of good memories in those trailers and those of us who have been there through the whole transition of the group splitting, then the construction, and now the new building, some stressful memories also. Now as we get ready to put history in its place and start anew, it is a relief and we are BUSY! That coupled with the events Axis has planned and my commitments to that ministry, then add my job being at it's busiest ever, much less with the holidays approaching, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. That I usually can handle on it's own, but now.....the holiday goodies start rolling in. Of all that I have just listed, and all the reasons I have to be overwhelmed, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I have shared with my clients what I'm trying to do with this healthy food thing, but so many of them give goodies for Christmas. I think I'll be good for Thanksgiving but Christmas scares me! I almost wish I could just go into a eating disorder treatment center for the holidays, like the girl did on Dr. Ozz last night.

My request is a prayer request, that God will keep me focused on the causes I'm involved in, and keep me healthy through the holidays, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am happiest when I'm giving to others, so my personal goal is to stay busy helping others and spending time with family through the holidays. Please pray with me that I don't choose escape. It is ok to take a day, but escaping is a dangerous place for me. If I fall off the radar, please check in with me. Sometimes I attempt escape and don't even realize it until I am so closed off emotionally that I'm almost numb. I don't want to be in that place. I need to be busy, involved, and helping others or my soul gets sick and isolated, even in a crowded room. God bless!

Trying something different this week

I've decided to try something different this week. I'm going to stick to fruits and veggies for snacks and Smart Ones or Lean Quezines(sp) for meals. Portion control continues to be a problem for me and also the mentality that once I've blown it, I might as well blow it good. I also have a bad habit of eating fast. I work lunch or snacks in to my work day in 2-3 minutes sometimes when I get a little break in the action.

My holiday crunch is starting this week and goes until after Christmas, so if you want to pray for me I would appreciate that. I would ask that you pray that I can stay focused on being healthy and in conscience contact with God through the long work days and holiday goodies.....ugh!

I'm still on the 3rd step. Obviously, if I'm not able to control my portions yet, I have not turned my will over to God. This is so hard. It is like wanting something so badly and you can almost touch it but it moves a few step away as you arrive. I have so much respect for people who can eat in a normal controlled fashion. One of my biggest regrets of late is that I let things get this far because it is a long way back. I will continue to try, one day at a time, to become a normal eater.

You guys are awesome, thank you again for your support.

Leeann, I didn't do my push ups yet. I am going to try to start tonight, please be praying for my back to handle them, I have a lower back issue, so basically what doesn't kill me may be helping me, but I have to be careful not to put it completely out during Christmas stuff. I'm going to push it to the very limit though, count on it.

Leeann and I have been building up from 25 to now 60 sit-ups a day adding 10 a week and now we are adding push-ups to the game. She has been through so much in the last few months and that she continues to support me while dealing with so many family issues is amazing to me. Thank you Leeann. She has also challenged a few friends to join us so I am now challenging you! Believe me it is better with accountability and loving friends rooting you on! Let me know if your joining us.

busy week

It has been a busy busy week. I have lost 7 pounds since I started the blog. Not a great amount but about right for the amount of effort I have put into it. I haven't been doing what I should. I'm walking, and eating less, but I know my self discipline has room for improvement. Keep rooting for me.

On another note, I believe that the third step: Turned my will and my life over to the care of God is finally taking hold.

I am involved in a College age ministry and I can't tell you how much I learn from them. Love, patience, kindness, tact and....did I mention patience. I love them more then they will ever know, and being in their lives is quite and adventure. Watching them sort through issues, tapping in to drama from time to time, and learning how to make good decisions. I know I can't go back but I sure do wish I would have spent less time rebelling life and authority and more time building my relationship with God at a young age. I see so much potential in these young people, and want to do everything I can to help them avoid some of the mistakes I made and help them build their spiritual foundation. Is it tough sometimes.....by all means. Is it mentally draining at times....oh yeah, but they are so worth it.

I wish I could feel the same about myself. It is coming. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, but still struggle at times with self esteem stuff. I know it is all tied in to this eating thing somehow and that is my journey. I will continue to work the 12 steps and pray to my higher power whom I choose to call Christ, and I just know He will reveal the answers to me at some point. I can't wait.

Weekend-Whewwwwwwwww

Thanks to some very supportive friends, and a lot of activity, I had a fairly successful weekend. I'm not happy with the scales as they say I am still at 3 lbs, however, habits and attitudes are a changin.

I didn't get to the home gym this weekend but went shopping (and spent very little by the way) and did a lot of walking. Nearly 15000 steps according to my pedometer! Stacy and I walked today for one lap at Riverside and I stayed active all day today. Baby steps but steps non the less.

I am so grateful those of you who are praying for me and challenging me on this journey. I hope others are encouraged by it all.

LeeAnn, 50 it is...ugh, and I think it is awesome that you have challenged others.

My focus this week is again going to be keeping active along with the continuance of cutting back calories. Keep praying!

Into the solution

I have spent a few weeks thinking through my plan to loose weight, which has been searching for answers to how I got where I am and why. I don't think that is a bad thing, it is all a process, and searching is part of it. I've spent a lot of time focused on food; eating, avoiding, obsessing, and now I want to move on.

I have figured out the problem and have written about it several times now. It's time to get into the solutions. I also have a dear friend who kind of challenged me today in such a sweet way. She not only brought up how hard it is to lose weight without activity, but offered to be active with me, which I am taking her up on.

I have a sit down, 8-11 hours a day 5 days a week job that on some days I don't move from my chair except to tinkle. My body thinks sitting is the natural position it is supposed to be in. It is really hard to be motivated to work out before or after a long day of sitting. I have a gym in my basement, and stairs to run up and down and yet can't seem to get the energy to dive in. I know from past experience that once I do, I'll be good to go, but.......

It occurred to me today how lucky I am. I have had wonderful support, posts on my blog, personal notes by email or on facebook, and many wonderful phone calls. I have a supportive family and an incredibly understanding husband. I need to become more focused on the solution now, and get the faith in myself that others have in me. Help me get moving.
Keep me accountable!

Weekends.....ugh

I absolutely blew it this weekend. No self control, no prayer, just gave into to the addiction. What I learned is that for a while, I need to be very busy on weekends. I need to be into constructive, healthy activity and away from the fridge until I get used to long term gratification rather then instant gratification. It is so hard, it is like I'm possessed one way or another. I'm either feeling ugly for not feeding the monster or feeling ugly because I did feed the monster. It truly is like being in a bad movie that few can understand. "Just don't do it" God I wish it was that easy. "Don't complicate it" I wish it wasn't complicated, but it is years of compulsive behavior, which has settled on something that I can not just quit or walk away from. Something that is just as deadly as so many thing I have walked away from. "Be strong"......if you know me strength isn't an issue typically, I have a strong personality, strong resolution and strong faith in the Lord, but being strong is nothing when it comes to this. It is surrendering that is the key and I am there probably 75% of the time, but that 25% is rooted in years of self abuse and compulsion. Again that leaves me at step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God. I'm obviously hanging on to something and I am going to spend the next week or so praying and searching. We have a saying in AA, it is about letting go of stuff, we let go with claw marks. Keep praying for me and thank you for your comments and phone calls. It really helps me and I hope this in some way helps you. God Bless.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Today was really bad food day. It was a very stressful day and I chose to not use my tools. I can't even recall everything I ate today. The sad part is I hated myself with every bite, but it didn't stop me. I will start over tomorrow, but will be glad when I get to a point of self control so I can handle my stress in other ways. I got away and tried to think about something else. I got active and I still couldn't shake it. I did forget to pray, maybe I'll do better next time. Pray for me please and don't give up on me. I am determined to beat this.

Tomorrows plan, church, paper work and exercise. I am planning each meal this week and sticking to it. I need to tighten up my efforts.

Things I have learned,

Hey all, what a whirlwind ride this journey is. There are a few things that have become apparent to me the last few days. One is that without my awareness, I'm wearing an intense look on my face a lot, my mom called me this morning and offered me money to get me out of whatever mess I was in that was causing the look on my face. Opps, I guess I don't know my own intensity. I wish money could rush this process, but it can't. God bless her, she is trying to be a mom and fix things. She cooks a lot of meals and makes them very healthy which is the most valuable thing she can do, and she is a wealth of nutrition information, one if her best friend is an expert at nutrition and my mom also studies it a lot. She also has something I don't yet, self discipline and years of good eating habits. I pray that is my end result of this journey but I'm not going to kid myself that it will happen over night. I can't wait until I can use her wisdom, but for now I have to stick with the 12 steps and being hungry for a while.

Another thing is that after trying to explain how I am feeling to my mom and a few other "normal" eaters, it became very apparent that they have no idea what this is like. Most people say, just wait 2o minutes and you won't be hungry or just take a taste of everything but don't eat any more then that....really!!!!!! If I could do that, I wouldn't be in the state I'm in. No offense to them, they have no clue and I know they love me and just want to help, but I am not yet to a place with this that I can use half measures. One bite is to many and 1000 bites aren't enough. I have so many trigger foods I can't even get a grip right now so what I do is make sure when I eat, that I am busy right after and it is miserable. It takes a good hour before my system settles down enough to relax and wait for the next planned snack or meal. I know it will get better in time, I'm counting on God to relieve me from this as soon as I finish the footwork.

I cannot wait until the time that I get to write to you in this blog and tell you that God has lifted the obsession. In the mean time hang in there with me....I need you!

Hi everyone. I have lost 3 pounds in a week. Going down instead of up, what a nice change. I have to admit that it has not been easy at all. I am so praying it will get better soon. I'm hungry, cranky, and stressed out and I know it is because I'm not drowning it all in food like I was before. Time to learn some new coping skills. I have been walking 45 minutes for 2 days and still doing the sit-ups. Thank you Leeann. I am trying to get up and move if I have a cancellation or break. I'm also talking to people about what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.

I had a rough moment when a childhood neighborhood mom who makes the best cookies in the world brought a bag full to her nail appointment yesterday. I smiled and thanked her, then as soon as she left I donated them to the Alano Club bake goods sale like they were hot potatoes. Didn't even eat one. Whew!!!!!! I know me well enough to know that one would lead to 10 and then I would have to have a protein to bring my sugar high down etc. etc. the viscious circle, and worse then then that I would have had to send all that info to Kathy in my food log that night.

I think I am moving along with the second step. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now and believe that God will restore me to sanity. I'll let you know when it happens but the step actually says:
Came to believe that a power grater then myself could restore me to sanity, so I do believe and on I go to step three:
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God. I think I got that, but I am going to pray on it a few day before moving to four.

I am so grateful to those of you who are supporting this in one way or another, I wish you would take a minute to register so your wonderful posts are on this blog so if someone else is following maybe we can help them too. I also know a lot of you are praying for me and rooting for me and you don't even know how much that means to me. I'll check in on Friday!

The last few days went fairly well. I am still struggling with letting myself be a little hungry all the time until I'm used to it. You see, I'm used to feeling a tiny bit hungry and eating, which then triggers eating more, which leads to the viscous circle that has become my life. Now rational or not, I feel anxiety when that little hunger feeling hits and it is HARD!

I went to Walgreen's tonight which is a huge trigger for me. I am used to using that as a way to get out of the house at night then loading up on junk which I would partially eat and partially stash in my car for later. I really didn't think anything of it until I walked in the door. I made it through the store but was nearly in panic mode the whole time. I bought some things I didn't need that you can't eat got my hubbys scripts, and got out of dodge.

Though I feel really good about the last few day, I have a long way to go. I was good but not great. I was reduced to taking it a hour at a time more then once today and tomorrow I won't have work to distract me.

I'm still on the second step. Not quite feeling the possibility of God being able to remove this compulsion from me or feeling like I deserve that blessing quite yet. I am praying about it and thinking on it. I have made a commitment to Kathy, (the girl in the pic with me) to keep a food log and mail it to her at the end of the day, and Leann and I are doing situps/crunches everyday. I love my friends, what a beautiful support system God is giving me. Please keep praying for me and keeping me accountable. More later.

I remember when I quit smoking over and over for several years, the one thing I could count on was as soon as I made the decision to quit, one stressful thing after another would happen until I would give in to it all. Then I would rationalize that it just wasn't a good time to quit with all of the stress. Then I would beat myself up for being weak and smoke some more.

Well, in case your wondering, the same thing applies when you make a decision to start eating in a more healthy manner and dealing with a food addiction. I was already arguing with myself about it being alright to be a little hungry all the time. I have gotten into a habit of feeling a little hungry, then quickly eating to get rid of that feeling so now I feel anxious when it hits and I don't feed it. I managed to talk myself through that a half a dozen time today and then I got one phone call after another and one visit after another that caused some kind of stress. Right before the big melt down, I realized what it was, identified it, and chose not to eat away the stress. That was really frigging hard!

I did forget to pray before each thing I ate today and I know that will help tomorrow. Any suggestions for healthy, easy to prepare, filling snack please post them at my blog. Thank You!!!

The first day

Today is the first day of my weight loss adventure. I plan to use God and the 12-steps of recovery to lose 75-100 pounds by the time I turn 50. That gives me a little over a year and a half . I am going to make healthier choices avoiding trigger food, and dealing with my feelings. My goal is not to be skinny but to be at a weight that I am comfortable at and 150-175 has been in that zone in the past. My present weight is 249.1 I don't want to switch addictions again, I want to learn an effective healthy way to deal with my addictive personality.
A good friend always says he is addicted to "more" and that is what I want to work on.

I know that I will have bad days, and that not every day will be a success. The thing I want to do differently is to be honest about what is going on instead of hiding in food. That is going to be a hard habit to break. I eat when I'm stressed, happy, sad and even when I'm not hungry. Food has become like an all purpose drug for me.

These are my goals which I will hopefully achieve one day at a time, I believe I can do almost anything for 24 hours. I can plan my plans but not results:
One day at a time I will try to:
1. work out at least 10 minutes (building up as I go)
2. stay accountable to you
3. pray before each meal or snack, being accountable to God
4. work on the steps daily.
5. Journal daily and blog weekly and on the bad days (don't want you to get tired of me)


The first step is:
We admitted we were powerless over ________, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

My blank is filled with food this time. Not only am I admitting my life is unmanageable because of my food issues, but I want to go a step further and not fill that blank with yet another addiction. I am an addictive personality and I truly believe I am going to always have that, so what I need to do is learn to deal with it constructively. This is where God comes in. I need to rely on Him to light my path in fighting my nature. We say in recovery that at some point in recovery, we come to a jumping off point where we will have to rely on God to change us, and I am there. While He works on me I need support and that is where you come in. Please be praying for me to remain teachable and open minded.

Step 2:
Came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I believe in God, but am struggling a little with Him returning me to sanity right now. I don't feel I deserve it yet. I need to be committed for a length of time before I can believe He will restore me to sanity. Free will has alway gotten in the way and along this path I need to learn the self discipline He wants me to practice.

So step 2 it is for now. I'll be working it!

It's time

I am a 48 year old woman who has gained 100 pounds in 6 years. This is a picture of me and my bff Kathy at a concert recently. This picture is what confirmed to me that I am out of control. My friend would say she loves me just the way I am, I say I want her to be able to love me for many years and at the rate I'm going the chances of that are narrowing. I find myself in a place where I am again faced with an addiction which threatens my life. That addiction is food this time. I am a recovering drug addict (20 years clean) and alcoholic (17 years sober) smoker (10 years smoke free) and this is by far my biggest challenge. I can't just quit eating, abstaining won't work. I then started thinking about solutions and this is what materialized.

I spend a lot of time on the internet in the evening but have very little time during the day when recovery meetings, weight watcher and other things that could be helpful are happening. I have a wealth of loving friends who I know have been kind enough not to say anything, but I'm sure are worried about me, and a group of college agers who love me also. I started thinking about how I could use my time effectively and involve the people I love and who love me in my healthy weight loss journey. Blogging became a solution.

For me this whole journey is made up of 4 parts:

1.Accountability- I am gong to journal the good, the bad and the ugly as I work through this. I am going to be very honest about how I'm feeling in a "G" rated way. I will follow the 12 steps and share them along the way. (I will post the steps later)
2.Honesty- I will be honest about my weight from beginning until I reach my goal. I will be honest when I have bad days, and ask for help when I need it.(both very hard for me)
3. Action-I will do some kind of activity every day. My job enables me to move much during the day so I will commit to doing something for 10 minutes everyday and more as time goes on.
4.Outreach- I will work harder if I know I'm helping someone else also. If you know someone who you think this may help please pass it on so we can help each other.

I will start my journey tomorrow, Wed. 10-21-09. My goal is to lose 100 pounds in a healthy way by working the steps with you, and being accountable to you. Thank you for helping me.