Warning Signs

The last few days have been great. I have stayed within my eating plan, and have accomplished a few personal tasks. Again, thank you for your support!

I stated at the beginning of this blog that I wanted to be honest write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I look back I have covered a lot of that, though I have had a tug on my stomach off and on. I woke up this morning after a bunch of horrible and weird dreams, realizing that I have a little fear going on. The following may seem jumbled and busy, but I have to process.

My husband just a few months ago had both of his knees replaced. Previous to that he has had chronic pain for 2-3 years concerning his knees. He has had to be on a lot of medicine over that time and some even stronger meds since the surgery. He is doing an amazing job of recovering and we have learned after thinking he may never work again, that he can indeed work again. Huge relief! We still have a few challenges to face and I'm not looking forward that that at all! In fact I would love to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the elephant in the room, but that would put both of us at risk for future problems.

Also, as you know, I have my hands in a lot of pots. A college age ministry, the Alano Club and a pretty busy work schedule, all of which I love and have a lot of passion about. I feel so blessed everyday to be one of the few people who get to do what they love for a living, and to feel passion everyday for God, and both groups I'm involved in. That being said, there is sometimes a lot of stress, good and bad, that comes with all three. We are getting ready to move into the new Alano Club building this weekend. This after months of being in construction trailers and using portapots. We have made lots of good memories in those trailers and those of us who have been there through the whole transition of the group splitting, then the construction, and now the new building, some stressful memories also. Now as we get ready to put history in its place and start anew, it is a relief and we are BUSY! That coupled with the events Axis has planned and my commitments to that ministry, then add my job being at it's busiest ever, much less with the holidays approaching, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. That I usually can handle on it's own, but now.....the holiday goodies start rolling in. Of all that I have just listed, and all the reasons I have to be overwhelmed, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I have shared with my clients what I'm trying to do with this healthy food thing, but so many of them give goodies for Christmas. I think I'll be good for Thanksgiving but Christmas scares me! I almost wish I could just go into a eating disorder treatment center for the holidays, like the girl did on Dr. Ozz last night.

My request is a prayer request, that God will keep me focused on the causes I'm involved in, and keep me healthy through the holidays, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am happiest when I'm giving to others, so my personal goal is to stay busy helping others and spending time with family through the holidays. Please pray with me that I don't choose escape. It is ok to take a day, but escaping is a dangerous place for me. If I fall off the radar, please check in with me. Sometimes I attempt escape and don't even realize it until I am so closed off emotionally that I'm almost numb. I don't want to be in that place. I need to be busy, involved, and helping others or my soul gets sick and isolated, even in a crowded room. God bless!

Trying something different this week

I've decided to try something different this week. I'm going to stick to fruits and veggies for snacks and Smart Ones or Lean Quezines(sp) for meals. Portion control continues to be a problem for me and also the mentality that once I've blown it, I might as well blow it good. I also have a bad habit of eating fast. I work lunch or snacks in to my work day in 2-3 minutes sometimes when I get a little break in the action.

My holiday crunch is starting this week and goes until after Christmas, so if you want to pray for me I would appreciate that. I would ask that you pray that I can stay focused on being healthy and in conscience contact with God through the long work days and holiday goodies.....ugh!

I'm still on the 3rd step. Obviously, if I'm not able to control my portions yet, I have not turned my will over to God. This is so hard. It is like wanting something so badly and you can almost touch it but it moves a few step away as you arrive. I have so much respect for people who can eat in a normal controlled fashion. One of my biggest regrets of late is that I let things get this far because it is a long way back. I will continue to try, one day at a time, to become a normal eater.

You guys are awesome, thank you again for your support.

Leeann, I didn't do my push ups yet. I am going to try to start tonight, please be praying for my back to handle them, I have a lower back issue, so basically what doesn't kill me may be helping me, but I have to be careful not to put it completely out during Christmas stuff. I'm going to push it to the very limit though, count on it.

Leeann and I have been building up from 25 to now 60 sit-ups a day adding 10 a week and now we are adding push-ups to the game. She has been through so much in the last few months and that she continues to support me while dealing with so many family issues is amazing to me. Thank you Leeann. She has also challenged a few friends to join us so I am now challenging you! Believe me it is better with accountability and loving friends rooting you on! Let me know if your joining us.

busy week

It has been a busy busy week. I have lost 7 pounds since I started the blog. Not a great amount but about right for the amount of effort I have put into it. I haven't been doing what I should. I'm walking, and eating less, but I know my self discipline has room for improvement. Keep rooting for me.

On another note, I believe that the third step: Turned my will and my life over to the care of God is finally taking hold.

I am involved in a College age ministry and I can't tell you how much I learn from them. Love, patience, kindness, tact and....did I mention patience. I love them more then they will ever know, and being in their lives is quite and adventure. Watching them sort through issues, tapping in to drama from time to time, and learning how to make good decisions. I know I can't go back but I sure do wish I would have spent less time rebelling life and authority and more time building my relationship with God at a young age. I see so much potential in these young people, and want to do everything I can to help them avoid some of the mistakes I made and help them build their spiritual foundation. Is it tough sometimes.....by all means. Is it mentally draining at times....oh yeah, but they are so worth it.

I wish I could feel the same about myself. It is coming. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, but still struggle at times with self esteem stuff. I know it is all tied in to this eating thing somehow and that is my journey. I will continue to work the 12 steps and pray to my higher power whom I choose to call Christ, and I just know He will reveal the answers to me at some point. I can't wait.

Weekend-Whewwwwwwwww

Thanks to some very supportive friends, and a lot of activity, I had a fairly successful weekend. I'm not happy with the scales as they say I am still at 3 lbs, however, habits and attitudes are a changin.

I didn't get to the home gym this weekend but went shopping (and spent very little by the way) and did a lot of walking. Nearly 15000 steps according to my pedometer! Stacy and I walked today for one lap at Riverside and I stayed active all day today. Baby steps but steps non the less.

I am so grateful those of you who are praying for me and challenging me on this journey. I hope others are encouraged by it all.

LeeAnn, 50 it is...ugh, and I think it is awesome that you have challenged others.

My focus this week is again going to be keeping active along with the continuance of cutting back calories. Keep praying!

Into the solution

I have spent a few weeks thinking through my plan to loose weight, which has been searching for answers to how I got where I am and why. I don't think that is a bad thing, it is all a process, and searching is part of it. I've spent a lot of time focused on food; eating, avoiding, obsessing, and now I want to move on.

I have figured out the problem and have written about it several times now. It's time to get into the solutions. I also have a dear friend who kind of challenged me today in such a sweet way. She not only brought up how hard it is to lose weight without activity, but offered to be active with me, which I am taking her up on.

I have a sit down, 8-11 hours a day 5 days a week job that on some days I don't move from my chair except to tinkle. My body thinks sitting is the natural position it is supposed to be in. It is really hard to be motivated to work out before or after a long day of sitting. I have a gym in my basement, and stairs to run up and down and yet can't seem to get the energy to dive in. I know from past experience that once I do, I'll be good to go, but.......

It occurred to me today how lucky I am. I have had wonderful support, posts on my blog, personal notes by email or on facebook, and many wonderful phone calls. I have a supportive family and an incredibly understanding husband. I need to become more focused on the solution now, and get the faith in myself that others have in me. Help me get moving.
Keep me accountable!

Weekends.....ugh

I absolutely blew it this weekend. No self control, no prayer, just gave into to the addiction. What I learned is that for a while, I need to be very busy on weekends. I need to be into constructive, healthy activity and away from the fridge until I get used to long term gratification rather then instant gratification. It is so hard, it is like I'm possessed one way or another. I'm either feeling ugly for not feeding the monster or feeling ugly because I did feed the monster. It truly is like being in a bad movie that few can understand. "Just don't do it" God I wish it was that easy. "Don't complicate it" I wish it wasn't complicated, but it is years of compulsive behavior, which has settled on something that I can not just quit or walk away from. Something that is just as deadly as so many thing I have walked away from. "Be strong"......if you know me strength isn't an issue typically, I have a strong personality, strong resolution and strong faith in the Lord, but being strong is nothing when it comes to this. It is surrendering that is the key and I am there probably 75% of the time, but that 25% is rooted in years of self abuse and compulsion. Again that leaves me at step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God. I'm obviously hanging on to something and I am going to spend the next week or so praying and searching. We have a saying in AA, it is about letting go of stuff, we let go with claw marks. Keep praying for me and thank you for your comments and phone calls. It really helps me and I hope this in some way helps you. God Bless.