Weekends.....ugh

I absolutely blew it this weekend. No self control, no prayer, just gave into to the addiction. What I learned is that for a while, I need to be very busy on weekends. I need to be into constructive, healthy activity and away from the fridge until I get used to long term gratification rather then instant gratification. It is so hard, it is like I'm possessed one way or another. I'm either feeling ugly for not feeding the monster or feeling ugly because I did feed the monster. It truly is like being in a bad movie that few can understand. "Just don't do it" God I wish it was that easy. "Don't complicate it" I wish it wasn't complicated, but it is years of compulsive behavior, which has settled on something that I can not just quit or walk away from. Something that is just as deadly as so many thing I have walked away from. "Be strong"......if you know me strength isn't an issue typically, I have a strong personality, strong resolution and strong faith in the Lord, but being strong is nothing when it comes to this. It is surrendering that is the key and I am there probably 75% of the time, but that 25% is rooted in years of self abuse and compulsion. Again that leaves me at step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God. I'm obviously hanging on to something and I am going to spend the next week or so praying and searching. We have a saying in AA, it is about letting go of stuff, we let go with claw marks. Keep praying for me and thank you for your comments and phone calls. It really helps me and I hope this in some way helps you. God Bless.